Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
