Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize