farters have to be the big spoon...
he was CRYING into my vagina
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
