I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
