Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
