my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I cut my penus on the lid.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
