dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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