Buhtt sex?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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