I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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