Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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