I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
