i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
