Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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