he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize