i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
