I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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