I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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