i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
