Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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