my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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