pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The best revenge is premature balding
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
