i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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