Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
