it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize