the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
