i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
