I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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