I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
