Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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