You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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