dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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