Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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