just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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