you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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