I accidentally had phone sex last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
