I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
