i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
