I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
