Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize