In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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