I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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