I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
