I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My vagina just recognized that song.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
