i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
