You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
