Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
