I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
