I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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