Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
