you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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