I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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