Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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