I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
