I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
